Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
