i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize