Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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