who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
