watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
