I wannas sexs uuuuu
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
