3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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