I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
