when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
