Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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