Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
