fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
