I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
