Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
