my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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