Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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