I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
honey bunches of taint.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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