so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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