Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize