a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
