So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
