To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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