I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize