sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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