I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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