i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
