No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
