It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
