Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
