please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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