I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was like eating out sand paper
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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