I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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