i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
