I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
