i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
