I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
