i already hear my dad disowning me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
