2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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