I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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