I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize