I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found puke in my bra..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
