I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
