My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
