I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
