Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
