Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
