If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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