just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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