We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
