I smell stomach acid.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
