apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She bit a glass in half.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
