I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
