I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
