I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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