Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize