omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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