And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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