if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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