Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
