My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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