how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
